Boneless
by Angela Newkirk
Summary: Sasuke and Naruto crackfic, set right after Sasuke is thought to be dead and comes back to life after the fight with Zabuza.


**A/N: Hiii. Yeah, It's been ages since I last posted, and I've had this for _aaaageeesss _just hanging out in my C drive so I figured now is as good a time as any. This is a super-cracky fic I wrote with the help of my awesome friend (you know who you are), who Gmail chatted with me when I got writer's block and basically forced me to finish this (PS, you still have to write yours XD). So it has some plot holes, and Sasuke is majorly OOC, but I still like it. So yeah. And feel free to let me know if there are any spelling errors, because I don't really have time to proofread XD **

**Oh, and I may possibly be adding in a lemon as a second chapter because I didnt get to it in here and it just felt wrong to add one at the end, but I'm not really sure, so feedback/advice is appreciated :DD**

o0o0o

Nudge.

_Sasuke._

Nudgenudge.

Pooooooke.

_Saaaaasukeeee._

Pokepokepokep-

A pale hand shot out from underneath the navy-blue blanket to block yet another poke from our favorite hyper-nin, who was being unusually persistent.

"Naruto. Quit it." Sasuke hissed from under his hair, which was presently sticking up in all directions, closely resembling a chicken's rear end.

"But Saaasukeeee..." Naruto whined petulantly. Sasuke winced at the particularly high frequency of Naruto's voice; in his defense, it had only been eight hours since he died and Naruto had been especially clingy. He fought off the sudden urge to punch said hyper-nin square in the face, and sat up carefully. Kakashi-sensei had mentioned that he would be weak, but _this_. This was just horrendous. He couldn't even summon enough chakra to perform the simplest jutsu, and it was driving the Uchiha's overdeveloped brain to insanity. He grabbed Naruto's hand as it loomed closer, preparing for another jarring poke to the shoulder.

"_Cut it out_. I'm awake, already. What do you _want_? And what are you _doing_ here, anyways?" the aggravated genin hissed, glancing around the small campsite for other signs of life. Finding none, he turned his attention back to Naruto, who was currently prying his hand out of Sasuke's grasp and looking a little taken aback by the Uchiha's prickly disposition. He was not one to be easily deterred, however.

"Oh, I was just hanging out, making sure you'd actually wake up at some point. Not that I care or anything, bastard," Naruto quickly added on, seeming to realize all of a sudden how sentimental he'd sounded. Almost like _Sakura_. Where _was_ she, anyways? Sasuke wasn't complaining or anything, but it was abnormal almost, not having the pink-haired kunoichi stuck to him like glue.

"N-naruto… Where's Sa-kura?" he stuttered, mentally beating the shit out of his vocal cords for making him sound so helpless. Naruto whipped around to face Sasuke as he began to speak, but seemed to droop a little at the mention of Sakura.

"O-oh. Uh. Sakura? She... I think she went home. Should I get her...?" Naruto turned away from Sasuke as he spoke. Sasuke could have sworn he heard disappointment in the hyper-nin's voice, but all he could see was the back of Naruto's head. Acting on an impulse, Sasuke reached an arm out towards Naruto and firmly grasped the blonde's right hand. Naruto inhaled sharply, as if he was in some sort of pain.

"Naruto. Look at me for a second. I want to see that cut you got from Haku over your eye," Sasuke lied, intent on seeing just what emotions the blonde's face would betray. Naruto shook his head childishly and replied that it had already been looked at and was fine. This just fed the Uchiha's insatiable curiosity. What in the _hell_ was Naruto trying so hard to hide? Sasuke sat up and roughly grasped Naruto's shirt collar, dragging his head around only to be taken aback by what he saw. A look of near-depression colored Naruto's usually optimistic features, and if Sasuke hadn't known better he could have sworn that Naruto's eyes looked a little red.

Naturally, Sasuke assumed the worst and snapped at Naruto, "What the _hell_ happened? Did someone else die?" Naruto made a desperate attempt to break free from the Uchiha's firm grasp, and something clicked inside that brilliant mind of his. "_Naruto_. Were you… worried about me?" The blonde boy shook his head, but his expression screamed the exact opposite. Acting on another impulse, Sasuke raised a hand to Naruto's jaw and pulled him forwards. Unable to pinpoint exactly what had spurred him to do this, Sasuke's pale lips briefly connected with Naruto's. At that, the dam broke and a single tear rolled down Naruto's face. He lunged forwards, propelling himself fully onto Sasuke's makeshift bed and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Okay, I was worried. So what?" Naruto sniffed, gripping Sasuke a little tighter. "I saw you _die_." Naruto's breathing hitched, "You were _dead_. Gone. _So what_ if I'm more than a little worried that you'll die on me again, but for real this time?" He attempted to focus both of his eyes on the fan emblazoned on the sleeve of Sasuke's shirt to distract himself from his current predicament, but his vision blurred and he was startled out of his concentration by a sharp intake of breath. He glanced up at Sasuke, and was shocked beyond belief to find that he appeared to be holding back laughter.

"Sasuke…?" Naruto questioned the Uchiha in a pathetically broken voice, watching his friend's lips twitch with intense curiosity. Seemingly out of nowhere, Sasuke was unable to hold his poker face any longer and cracked. Naruto was taken aback as the raven threw his head back and laughed, for the first time in known history.

"Sasuke! What the hell is so funny?" Naruto's voice sharpened defensively as he aimed a hard poke at his friend's forehead, only earning a snort and continued laughter from the other ninja. "Your face…." Sasuke gasped in between laughing fits, "When you were staring at my shirt… your eyes were all crossed, and-" the dark-haired ninja burst into laughter once again, while Naruto just _stared_. Sasuke's laughter finally quieted down, and he evenly met the blonde's level gaze. They held eye contact until the corner of Naruto's lips began twitching and Sasuke's mirrored the gesture.

Blink.

Twitch.

Blink.

"Fffff-"

Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously burst into loud laughter, Naruto's head thumping against Sasuke's shoulder as he practically shook with hilarity. The Uchiha fell back on the mess of blankets laughing hysterically, and Naruto collapsed onto the raven's chest bonelessly, reminding him of Ramen noodles and bringing on another fit of laughter. After a good fifteen minutes, their breathing evened out, and the campsite grew quiet again. Naruto's head was still glued to Sasuke's chest, and the black-haired ninja began to feel a different sensation welling up in the pit of his stomach.

Acting on yet another impulse (he would later blame the laughter for his sudden loss of inhibitions), he threw an arm around Naruto's waist and carelessly pressed his lips to the blonde's forehead. Naruto, overenthusiastic as usual, responded by clamping an arm around Sasuke's neck and using the other to pull the Uchiha into a fierce, heated kiss. Sasuke was barely able to react to the initial lip contact before Naruto had begun kissing across his jaw and down his neck while simultaneously pressing his palms against the Uchiha's pale stomach underneath his shirt.

Sasuke Uchiha was _never_ surprised. He was a _ninja_, and ninja expected _everything_, although at that particular moment he was feeling somewhat… well… caught off-guard. One of his best friends and worst rivals was currently shoving his hands up Sasuke's shirt, and he was more than surprised to be thoroughly enjoying the experience. He felt it was time for him to take control of the situation before Naruto got any ideas and proceeded to roll over, pin the blonde to the ground, and force a knee in between Naruto's legs until it was flush with the hyper-nin's groin, all in one fluid motion. Naruto peered up at him suspiciously from his new position on the bottom. Sasuke answered his look with a mumbled "I'm an _Uchiha_. Did you really expect to top me?"

Naruto shot Sasuke a look as he pulled the dark-haired ninja closer. He leaned in to kiss him but Sasuke beat him to the punch this time, sealing their lips together forcefully. The blonde seized Sasuke's shirt vengefully and tugged him forward with considerable force, causing him to fall heavily on top of Naruto. The Uchiha snorted, cracking a small smile before running his hands over Naruto's chest, abdomen, and-oh... The blonde's suddenly lust-clouded mind registered that things were getting serious, and fast.

"H-hang on. Waitwaitwaitwait. Sasuke?" Naruto stuttered as he tentatively reached out a hand, placing it on Sasuke's chest and pushing until the confused genin was sitting upright next to him.

"Yes, _Naruto_?" Sasuke replied, a slight edge to his voice. He was unbelievably close to getting the blonde right where he wanted him, and now _this_ happens?

"Err… Sasuke... if this is going where I think it is…" Naruto ruffled his hair nervously, causing the dark-haired ninja's harsh look to soften, only a bit. "If this is… what are we doing about, y'know, _protection_?" Naruto practically whispered the last word, and when prompted to speak up by Sasuke, was met by a wide smile and narrowed, determined eyes. "I know _exactly_ where to find some. You, _stay here_. I'll be right back." The Uchiha leaned in as if to kiss Naruto but bit his lip instead, eliciting a squeak and an indignant scowl. He laughed quietly and crept off to locate Kakashi-sensei's pack.

o0o0o

Kakashi snickered from his hiding place up in a nearby tree as he watched Sasuke march off, head-and other parts of his anatomy- held high, in the direction of his pack. This was almost better than Icha-Icha Paradise. Kakashi's uncovered eye followed the young genin, watching him stoop to rifle through his pack for the box of condoms he had accidentally-on-purpose let Sasuke see while he was pulling out his sleeping bag the previous night. The copy-nin grinned under his black mask as Sasuke located the box and held it above his head victoriously for a moment before extracting a condom and carefully replacing the container exactly where he'd found it. He watched the black-haired ninja stand, then- wait, was he _skipping_? Kakashi laughed noiselessly as he watched the Uchiha- who was most certainly skipping- make his way back to the patiently waiting Naruto.

o0o0o

"Holy _shit_."

"Naruto, shut up! Do you _want_ to get caught?"

"No, but… _look at it_! You got that from _Kakashi_?

"Yeah. And?"

"Aaaand. It's _massive_, in case you hadn't noticed!"

Naruto glanced at the condom again, still somewhat in awe. "Do you even _know_ what this means?

Sasuke sighed, waving the condom around in Naruto's face and laughing at his widened eyes and horrified expression. "_No_." Naruto stared silently at the black-haired genin with wide eyes. "Well, spit it out already!" Sasuke shot back at him impatiently.

"_Kakashi-sensei has a huge dick! _Look at this thing! And it _fits_ on his…"

Sasuke clamped a hand over the hyper-nin's mouth before he could continue, a deeply disturbed look on his face. "Naruto. Oh my _God_. _You're right_." he whispered confidentially.


End file.
